I talked to Chris.
It was confusing.
He wants me, but he doesn't
Basically he's scared.
He's scared things will be boring.
He's scared things aren't going to work out.
He's scared he won't make a good boyfriend.
That's why he keeps dissapearing on me.
He told me that he just tells himself that I'm not coming back which is interesting because when he pushes me away, I do make a point to leave him alone.
He doesn't like me leaving him alone either so we're at a bypass.
He thinks that he has no potential at all which is sad.
I know he has self-esteem issues but he has no reason to.
When Chris decides to be a sweetheart, he is the most wonderful human being.
It's only when he gets f'd up in the head that it makes me sad/mad.
It's not that I hate him.
I'm just dissapointed because he's better then that.
I really don't want to do any convincing to get him to be with me.
I want to be with me because he wants to be with me.
If things don't work out then they don't work out but you can't always run away from things.
Let me tell you something.
I'm a chance taker and I want to take the chance on him.
He really has no reason to think we won't work out and I think he's basing it upon his other g/f's
He can't do that.
Every situation is different.
I will also say that he's become paranoid thinking about the consequences which isn't healthy either.
I really want to help him...
but he has really got to help himself as well.
I can't do all the work.
Anyways Skalloween was excellent.
SGR and Ruder Than You were excellent.
No Regrets wasen't that bad. Their new stuff isn't as good as I hoped but since I know them personally I really can't say anything that bad about them. They are all great guys and they have fun playing.
I talked alot with Harry.
He's a great person to talk to.
Roland was..ugh as usual.
I was so happy to see he came home.
I honestly wasen't expecting him to be there.
I missed him.
I told him I was writing him a 10 page letter.
He is going to love it.
I saw Livia as well <33
I love her.
and I saw some Clearview kids as well.
Namely Kristy Goldy and Sean Palma
It was fun to see people from my school.
Sean and I talked about college while I was taking a break with Harry outside.
Some lady kept calling my cell.
The funny thing is she wants ME to tell HER who I am.
uhh Dude it's MY cellphone your calling!
Why the hell should I tell you who I am?
Obviously you have the wrong number, bitch.
After the show I felt like hell.
My back and legs were killing me.
I expected it though.
It's been my first show in a while.
I was pretty damn violent.
Chris texted me and wanted to talk to me so I went there and talked to him.
which explains the above.
I was going to go to Livia's but I felt so sickly so I just ended up going home.
I woke up and Mike imed me.
Funny I thought we weren't talking.
He wants to know why I doubt him.
Well first of all once I lose trust for someone it's really hard to get it back.
You have to earn it.
Secondly, it really didn't seem like he really liked me the entire time I spent with him on Wenesday.
Maybe because he was a little weird when I got to his house.
I don't know.
Like if he was going for me, you think I would of been able to tell because usually I can tell.
There was just no flirting going on.
He apparently was afraid to touch me which upset me.
He walked away from me a number of times which may have been partially my fault because by that point I was basically lecturing myself in my head that I knew better then to go out with him.
Then again I tried more then once to forget it but he walked away at least 3-5 times.
Like he walked away the first time and it bothered me, but I just tried to brush it off.
The second time, it bothered me and I went to my car to have a good cry about it.
The third time, I was pissed off
There's only so much I can take before you send me over the edge.
That was it.
We ended up fighting on the way home and he supposedly wanted ot solve everything by not talking to me anymore.
Fine with me.
Now he wants to know why I doubt him.
If he put me through all that, how am I supposed to believe that he actually does like me?
It's pretty hard...
I really don't want to get involved with him again..at least not until he starts treating me right
Today was bleh.
I was still sick so basically I laid around and did nothing.
Chris text me at 4
He said he was going to call me at 5.
It really suprised me that he remembered because usually I have to call or text him first.
He made me really happy.
He told me he couldn't call me because he was playing a show tonight but he's happy he got to hang with me.
He also told me that we would definately catch up later.
What a sweetheart.
I love him so much...just for that.
He doesn't have to be some great superman of a boyfriend.
That..made my day.
After that I hung around and watched scary movies.
My parents went out and came home.
I didn't eat.
Well I ate a little bit..but not as much as I usually do.
I dunno for some reason today I just have been turned off to food.
It's weird because usually I eat a ton.
I'm figuring if Mike comes on tonight that I'll talk to him.
There's a good chance he might not even come online.
His computer is shot.
I feel bad just not addressing his question.
and now I am bored.
I always wonder how people stay on the puter for so long.
I mean there's really not that much to do besides write and talk to people.
If you have nothing to say and the same old thing to write, then it's bleh.
I think I may go raid the kitchen.
♥ ♥ ♥