I talked to Mike last night on the phone about alot of things.
It was really hard trying to word things around.
I admit I have a had time speaking clearly to people.
I think I explained my feelings well enough so Mike understood.
I just really don't want to be dissapointed again....
Mike told me I have to trust him though...
so I'm going to despite my non-belief in second chances.
I'm just really scared he's going to hurt me again..
Afterwards I felt better that I talked to him.
He was such a sweetheart..
He was asking me if I would be mad if he tried to hook up with me..
He kept on telling me he didn't want me to be mad at him etc.
I hung up with him and tried to go to sleep.
I've been looking up abandoned haunted mental hospitals all day
and I think I scared myself.
I had a hard time sleeping..
Basically just falling asleep...
I went to Math today.
The test was baaad I think.
It wasen't that hard except for percentages.
I need to work on them.
After Math I went home to get Mike's number because he told me to talk him at 1
I went to Theatre upset..
I really don't like it there anymore.
It's like I'm the invisible person of the group and no matter what I do, everyone hates me with an exception to Chris, Paul, and Ryan.
It's mainly just Chris Weber and Steve that I have a problem with personally..
but also when people are all together in the group it's like I'm not even there...
I get cut off.
I'm not really included in the conversations or the " hang outs "
I'm just there.
I mean these people act like they're my friends but I have to question in my mind if they really are my friends..
To me they don't act it.
It's funny too.
I've actually tried to change myself to get more recognization...
Like I've been quieter to see if people would notice
I've been louder because being quiet was getting me no where...
Being myself hasen't worked which is why I had to resort to these different methods...
but I don't feel like I should be in the position to be myself but then be ignored...
In reality, no matter what I do I'm ignored anyway so I've just giving up on trying.
Chris and Steve are the meanest ones there too..
and it's like they're only mean to me...
and I don't know who gave them the right to be such a jerk to me..
but I am definately not liking it
and I'm not going to put up with it...
I already put up with this dehumanization by my step-father...
Steve prides himself on being an asshole which is fine I guess but when it comes to being an asshole to someone you really only talked to once...then that's fucking dumb...
I mean I'm an asshole to people who I basically don't respect at all.
If you wrong me in some way, I will be a jerk
and If you do something in some way that I deem unappropiate, then I will be a jerk especially if it does involve something that makes me lose respect for you.
Steve doesn't know me..
He's really only talked to be once and all we really talked about was music and movies..
I'm SICK of trying to start a conversation with him.
It's not like he actually tries to talk to me.
I almost had a breakdown in Theatre so I left.
Chris was a jerk today.
Sometimes I think he eggs on Steve....
All I know is I got really upset.
My anxiety attacks started up again.
I threw up in the bathroom and I just though I needed to just go home.
Of course I was pissed off as well...
It wasen't just that I was hurt.
I tried to call Mike because I REALLY needed someone to talk to..
I was gonna find Chris on MySpace and talk to to him and tell him what was going on..
but since I left I didn't have a chance to get his number.
I don't think I'm going to be in Theatre on Friday that's how upset I am...
I went home and basically just wandered around the house like a lost lamb.
I just wanted Mike to hold me or something.
I just needed comforting.
I'm really hoping Mike calls tonight...
I've calmed down since then though.
I'm in work right now...
and later tonight I have art class.
Tommorow I have Philosophy and Photography and then later tonight I'm going to a show with Mike.
I think he said Converge is playing.
I've never heard of them but it should be interesting I think.
He really wants me to go with him though...
I decided I needed new shampoo because the shampoo I have just isn't working for my hair.
It's supposed to give it more body but frankly I feel like I have an afro the next morning.
Tonight I'm going to perfect my outfit for this concert.
I must look hawt with an awt
This Saturday is SKALLOWEEN too.
I need to find directions to that church.
Sunday is Halloween.
I dunno who I'm going Trick Or Treating with.
We will see.
It all depends if Mike wants to hang out with me this weekend or not.
I cut my bangs too.
They were getting way too long..
Also Kathleen is in the hospital ;_;
I'm really worried about her.
I mean I know she was feeling sick but damn ;_;
I hope she feels better ;_;
I need to look at colleges..
♥ ♥ ♥